I actually wrote this post quite a while ago, and then I started having a bad week. So, I couldn't hit post. Just to prove that I am human, during that bad week I was furious and couldn't control the anger. Luckily I also realized I was PMSing, so hopefully I can try to avoid hitting a low like that again. At least when it happens next month, I'll be prepared for it. So, in case you are wondering, I'm going into complete honesty with all of this. This blog is not intended to be about what's going on between me and Kyle. As far as that goes, he was a good husband and worked very hard for his family and he is a fantastic dad and he loves his children and they love him very much. I will always love Kyle on some level, and as the father of my children, and he will always be an important part of my life, just in a different role from here on out. So I'll stop rambling and just let you read the original post. I haven't read through it fully again, but figure it's probably still very accurate.
So, just to answer the question I get asked periodically, how are you?
Well, to answer honestly, I'm OK. I have moments of good, and glimpses of great, but spend most of my days at OK. I'm probably still in shock a little, things still seem very surreal, like this is all temporary and we'll be going home any day now, and I know that will probably simply take time to fade and for me to accept completely that this is home and normal, so I'll keep giving it time. I got my first paycheck today and the feeling of accomplishment and gratitude I have at being able to provide for my family is huge. I know this job was lined up just for me, and while I still have days where I wonder how I'm going to schedule everything and still give my kids the time and attention they deserve, while working full time, and being a single mom, (especially once school starts since I'll still be working evenings since Ian's still home all day, but only one more year then hopefully I can adjust that), but I just keep going one day at a time and placing my trust in the Lord. He's gotten me this far, there's no reason to believe he'll give up on me anytime soon. I just keep hearing in my head, it will be okay, it will work out, so I'm leaning entirely on that right now.
I got my room painted, and am starting to put a little money towards completing it and really turning it into my space, hopefully that will help me feel a little more settled and less homesick. I still can't stop thinking about all the projects I wanted to do/need to finish at Kyle's house, but if I start a long enough list for this house, eventually they'll have to fall off the bottom to make room for new ones. By the time I move out, Mom just might have a completely redone house.
Overall things are steadying out, the tears are coming less and the smiles more. I still have bad days, but I can see things slowly getting better (I think anyway). I've fully taken advantage of friends who are willing to put up with my outbursts of emotions when I have them and to smile with me when I can.
I'm getting motivation back (as you'll see in subsequent posts) and hope to be able to continue working on a couple dreams I have in my head.
Thank you to all the support I've received so far, and I know one day I'll get through this.
